Episode 3: Vade retro anxius

Anxiety is worrying obsessively about what on earth I will say in my next video, completely disregarding the fact that I’ve done it before without too much difficulty, while simultaneously being overwhelmed by the large number of things I want to say, all the while telling myself that I’m really not so smart to be worrying about this at all because it is supposed to, after all, be a pleasant and positive activity.
Peace of mind is telling my mind “thank you for sharing”, sitting down and just pressing record.

Anxiety is starting this video 3 times in a row. The first time, stopping angry because I am not expressing myself as well as I know I could (my speech and verbalization abilities have been noticeably affected in the last 10 months). The second time, stopping to burst into tears because the physical tension was mounting inside me and I just really couldn’t manage to speak right. Then I took a long deep breath and sat still for a second.
Peace of mind is pressing record for a third time and deciding to talk about anxiety.

Anxiety is watching back the video and hating everything from my tone to my hair to the words I used and to when I chose to laugh. And thinking that overall, I sound pretty stupid and my words empty.
Peace of mind is paying no attention to self-obsessive criticism and uploading it anyways.

Anxiety is the ball in my throat, the pressure on my ribcage, the worsening tension in my chest and shoulders, neck and head as I write this post. I think it’s high time for me to get some rest. Luckily this is all very therapeutic for me (believe it or not) and, all in all, I think I feel better already. 🙂

3 thoughts on “Episode 3: Vade retro anxius

  1. Hell yes you deserve health! Although I have, thus far, never been a victim of our Medicare system, I can only imagine the difficulty of being taken seriously by a rather impersonal approach to medecine. I hope you find justice, empathy and peace from now on.

    Like

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