The weakness and exhaustion have been a daily thing for most of last year and some days it is more pronounced than others. It is also accompanied by increased dizziness (I have to get up veeeeeeery slowly), more difficulty concentrating (reading may be out of the question today, unfortunately), feeling more emotional (like a kid when he’s tired), increased joint and muscle pain, more tingling in hands and feet, more blocked and sore ears, and many more. However, fatigue is also far easier to tolerate than anxiety, it doesn’t need attention every. fucking. second., and luckily that has diminished a little. The surge in anxiety came on after introducing my 3rd antibiotic a few days ago (doxycycline), so yesterday I stopped it to see how I feel (I’m allowed to do that if I deem it necessary, and I did, I will introduce it slower very soon).
Anxiety is worrying obsessively about what on earth I will say in my next video, completely disregarding the fact that I’ve done it before without too much difficulty, while simultaneously being overwhelmed by the large number of things I want to say, all the while telling myself that I’m really not so smart to be worrying about this at all because it is supposed to, after all, be a pleasant and positive activity.
Peace of mind is telling my mind “thank you for sharing”, sitting down and just pressing record.
Anxiety is starting this video 3 times in a row. The first time, stopping angry because I am not expressing myself as well as I know I could (my speech and verbalization abilities have been noticeably affected in the last 10 months). The second time, stopping to burst into tears because the physical tension was mounting inside me and I just really couldn’t manage to speak right. Then I took a long deep breath and sat still for a second.
Peace of mind is pressing record for a third time and deciding to talk about anxiety.
I woke up feeling slightly more rested today, my shoulders and neck even hurting a bit less and allowing me to undertake this written blog post. The one particularly shitty thing so far is that I also woke up quite anxious. In the last few days I had been feeling that internal physical shakiness that accompanies anxiety and today it seems to have finally gotten to my head, so to speak. This, too, is part of the cycle of my illness and I have had to learn to deal with the motions. Feeling anxious and uncomfortable in my own skin (atop the physical discomfort) often quickly makes way for feeling depressed about my situation and I sometimes end up with some delusions.
On days like these, I can easily feel that I am very alone, that all my efforts are not good enough, that I am useless (here at home doing nothing), that I will always be this sick or even that I somehow deserve to be sick. Luckily I have some practice with these impostor thoughts and do my absolute best to stare them in the face and laugh at their expense. I’ve got bigger and better things to do, like this little introduction to what chronic Lyme disease is. The one advantage of anxiety is that it makes my brain sharper and more focussed than other days, so it’s the perfect opportunity to spend some time writing. 🙂
I am slightly disappointed I didn’t get to follow my original video plan but it would be foolish for me to get caught up on that. My body needs the best I can give it today, and wasting time on things I have no control over is not productive; it’s actually very counter-productive.