Episode 32: A chat in the park

Not to confused anyone, when I say 100% of my thoughts and feelings are guided by the illness right now, I mean to say that I blame Lyme disease and treatment for essentially all of the anxiety and the depression that I have been going through in recent weeks. This is an important distinction I wish to make because it is very much a physical issue, even though it happens in the brain area. I have been anxious and depressed in my life because of negative thought patterns and other issues, and this is not what is happening right now. It’s a hard sell, I know: what I am going through is hard and depressing, so I should be depressed, right?

I have to strongly disagree. Throughout a lot of this, I have mostly been in high spirits. Of course I have moments where I get sad and upset about my circumstances (daily), but that is not the same. Life truly is beautiful. I have experienced lots of joys and human connections throughout the last few months and I am grateful. I’m also quite content with myself and proud of how I am holding up. Again, a hard sell, but the truth nonetheless.

Of course, when in a depressed state, I have lots to cry about because my life is objectively kinda crummy right now. But my brain chemistry is simply messed up because of my treatment, more specifically due to the effects of Doxycycline killing off pathogens in the brain. It makes me have anxious and depressed feelings and thoughts, and I fight all day not to buy into them. No, I do not mean to feel this way and I do not think myself into feeling this way. And no, this is not a question of will power. Depression and anxiety themselves are not a question of will power, either. But it’s also very important to differentiate Lyme-induced mental issues from psychological issues.


Episode 26: ANTs on the brain

So, yeah, self-deprecating. But the word I was looking for was self-defeating.

And ANTs don’t buzz… they crawl. Creepy f*$?&*! crawlers…

ps. If you’re wondering if my anxious brain thinks I did a shitty job with this video, well, there’s your answer. 😉

So you have a friend with chronic Lyme disease?

I came across this today and I think it’s accurate, brilliant and funny:

So you have a friend or family member with chronic Lyme disease? A guide to understanding their struggle

I can agree with every single one of the points, which I am certain are also true for many other chronic debilitating illnesses. I feel very blessed because I believe those closest to me understand all of it and as a result are extremely supportive and loving.

While reading I couldn’t help but think about my life prior to diagnosis and about all the undiagnosed lymies out there, to whom most of these points apply as well but who don’t even know it yet themselves. Imagine all of that, but the official line is “nothing is wrong with you”, so you aren’t entitled to any of it.

ps. I’m having a happy sunny day. 🙂

Episode 25: Me and the Doxy

First a side note: when I say that this “robs me of the very things I hold dear”, this is meant figuratively. I only mean that it robs me of the optimistic, peaceful, positive and loving disposition that I have. Given the poor state of my affairs, however, that’s pretty much all that I’ve got, and all that I have control over.

As I mention, last night I upped my Doxycycline dose to 300 mg. This is my third attempt at getting up higher than 200 mg, as both the first and second experiments ended abruptly after 3 days, after reaching an unbearable level of anxiety.

Continue reading “Episode 25: Me and the Doxy”