So, yeah, self-deprecating. But the word I was looking for was self-defeating.
And ANTs don’t buzz… they crawl. Creepy f*$?&*! crawlers…
ps. If you’re wondering if my anxious brain thinks I did a shitty job with this video, well, there’s your answer. 😉
First a side note: when I say that this “robs me of the very things I hold dear”, this is meant figuratively. I only mean that it robs me of the optimistic, peaceful, positive and loving disposition that I have. Given the poor state of my affairs, however, that’s pretty much all that I’ve got, and all that I have control over.
As I mention, last night I upped my Doxycycline dose to 300 mg. This is my third attempt at getting up higher than 200 mg, as both the first and second experiments ended abruptly after 3 days, after reaching an unbearable level of anxiety.
All this being said… the Habs did lose their series yesterday and are therefore out of the Stanley Cup race. Sucks. I wish that was the reason I was “meh”, and maybe it doesn’t help, but I can definitely recognize the post-anxiety-attack blues when I feel them.
Anxiety is worrying obsessively about what on earth I will say in my next video, completely disregarding the fact that I’ve done it before without too much difficulty, while simultaneously being overwhelmed by the large number of things I want to say, all the while telling myself that I’m really not so smart to be worrying about this at all because it is supposed to, after all, be a pleasant and positive activity.
Peace of mind is telling my mind “thank you for sharing”, sitting down and just pressing record.
Anxiety is starting this video 3 times in a row. The first time, stopping angry because I am not expressing myself as well as I know I could (my speech and verbalization abilities have been noticeably affected in the last 10 months). The second time, stopping to burst into tears because the physical tension was mounting inside me and I just really couldn’t manage to speak right. Then I took a long deep breath and sat still for a second.
Peace of mind is pressing record for a third time and deciding to talk about anxiety.