Last year’s end-of-year video can be found here.
Not to confused anyone, when I say 100% of my thoughts and feelings are guided by the illness right now, I mean to say that I blame Lyme disease and treatment for essentially all of the anxiety and the depression that I have been going through in recent weeks. This is an important distinction I wish to make because it is very much a physical issue, even though it happens in the brain area. I have been anxious and depressed in my life because of negative thought patterns and other issues, and this is not what is happening right now. It’s a hard sell, I know: what I am going through is hard and depressing, so I should be depressed, right?
I have to strongly disagree. Throughout a lot of this, I have mostly been in high spirits. Of course I have moments where I get sad and upset about my circumstances (daily), but that is not the same. Life truly is beautiful. I have experienced lots of joys and human connections throughout the last few months and I am grateful. I’m also quite content with myself and proud of how I am holding up. Again, a hard sell, but the truth nonetheless.
Of course, when in a depressed state, I have lots to cry about because my life is objectively kinda crummy right now. But my brain chemistry is simply messed up because of my treatment, more specifically due to the effects of Doxycycline killing off pathogens in the brain. It makes me have anxious and depressed feelings and thoughts, and I fight all day not to buy into them. No, I do not mean to feel this way and I do not think myself into feeling this way. And no, this is not a question of will power. Depression and anxiety themselves are not a question of will power, either. But it’s also very important to differentiate Lyme-induced mental issues from psychological issues.
So, yeah, self-deprecating. But the word I was looking for was self-defeating.
And ANTs don’t buzz… they crawl. Creepy f*$?&*! crawlers…
ps. If you’re wondering if my anxious brain thinks I did a shitty job with this video, well, there’s your answer. 😉
First a side note: when I say that this “robs me of the very things I hold dear”, this is meant figuratively. I only mean that it robs me of the optimistic, peaceful, positive and loving disposition that I have. Given the poor state of my affairs, however, that’s pretty much all that I’ve got, and all that I have control over.
As I mention, last night I upped my Doxycycline dose to 300 mg. This is my third attempt at getting up higher than 200 mg, as both the first and second experiments ended abruptly after 3 days, after reaching an unbearable level of anxiety.
The lesson here clearly is: stick to watching over my videos just once, as I usually do. 🙂
Would love to add a few comments to this video (it WAS the longest I’ve been out with friends haha) but the nerve pain and discomfort, along with inflammation and muscle cramping, that is going on in my fingers and hands (and arms and shoulders and all the way down to my toes) is just not conducive to that. Stop. Making breakfast is going to be a bitch. Stop. Peace, I’m out. Stop.
All this being said… the Habs did lose their series yesterday and are therefore out of the Stanley Cup race. Sucks. I wish that was the reason I was “meh”, and maybe it doesn’t help, but I can definitely recognize the post-anxiety-attack blues when I feel them.